- "I had the craziest dream last night. I was dancing the White Swan. It was different choreography, though. It was more like the Bolshoi's. It was the prologue when Rothbart casts his spell."
- "Oh, look how pink. So pretty."
- (unison) "Pretty!"
- "You're in a good mood."
- "He promised to feature me more this season."
- "Well, he certainly should. You've been there long enough, and you're the most dedicated dancer in the company."
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(voice-over partly) "The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated. I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex. If Google Earth were a guy, he couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10-story building. Pretty cutting-edge stuff, huh? A high school girl feeling anonymous. Who am I? What does it all mean? Why am I here? Blah. But don't worry, this isn't one of those tales. Though it sure started out that way. And then it changed pretty quickly when I started lying about some very personal things. So let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind, and below-average breast size, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Starting now. And what better way to share my private thoughts than to broadcast them on the Internet? So here it is. Part one. The shudder-inducing and cliched, however totally false account of how I lost my virginity to a guy at a community college. Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story. And this is my side, the right one."
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- Guardian of the Universe protecting us against the forces of evil.
- He can catch a bullet. Halt a speeding train. And leap tall buildings in a single bound.
- Up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? A mailman by day. The city's guardian by night.
- Defending the citizens of New York from the forces of evil.
- The world has been protected by a group of extraordinary men and women who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime.
- Mysterious traveller from another dimension.
- He has powers far beyond the capabilities of mere earthlings.
(voice-over) "I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You'd think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who ever fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives we all wanted to be a superhero. That's not me, by the way. That's some Armenian guy with a history of mental health problems. Who am I? I'm Kick-Ass. That's me back before any of this crazy s--t happened. Guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. Not sayin' there was anything wrong with me. But there's not nothing special either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete, or a hard-core gamer. I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or three thousand friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls. And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed."
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(title card) "Not so long ago in the mysterious land of Toronto, Canada, Scott Pilgrim was dating a high schooler."
- "Scott Pilgrim is dating a high-schooler?"
- "Really? Is she hot?"
- "How old are you now, Scott? Like, 28?"
- "I'm not playing your little games, kids."
- "So, you've been out of high school for, like, 13 years."
- "I'm 22. Twenty-two."
- "And you're datin' a high-school girl. Not bad, not bad."
- "Thank you, thank you."
- "So, did you guys, like, you know, do it yet?"
- "We have done many things. We ride the bus together. And we have meaningful conversations about how yearbook club went and about her friends and, uh, you know, drama."
- "Have you even kissed her?"
- "We almost held hands once, but then she got embarrassed."
- "Well, aren't you pleased as punch?"
- "I don't know what you're talking about."
- "So, what's her name?"
- "Knives Chau. She's Chinese."
- "Wicked."
- "So, when do we get to meet her?"
- "Oh, please, let it be soon."
- "That's for me."
- "Hi."
- "You promise to be good?"
- "Of course I'll be good."
- "Seriously, please be good."
- "Am I normally not?"
- "Hey, Knives, this is Stephen Stills. He's the talent."
- "Hey. Is she gonna geek out on us?"
- "She'll just sit in the corner, man."
- "I mean, I want her to geek out on us."
- "She'll geek. She geeks. She has the capacity to geek."
- "Okay. You're good."
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- "Did you know there are more people with genius IQs living in China than there are people of any kind living in the United States?"
- "That can't possibly be true."
- "It is."
- "What would account for that?"
- "Well first, an awful lot of people live in China. But, here's the question: how do you distinguish yourself in a population of people who all got 1600 on their SATs?"
- "I didn't know they take SATs in China."
- "They don't. I wasn't talking about China anymore, I was talking about me."
- "You got a 1600?"
- "Yes. I could sing in a cappella group, but I can't sing."
- "Does that mean you actually got nothing wrong?"
- "Or you row crew or you invent a 25 dollar PC."
- "Or you get into a final club?"
- "Or I get into a final club, exactly."
- "You know, from a woman's perspective, sometimes not singing in an a cappella group is a good thing."
- "This is serious."
- "On the other hand, I do like guys who row crew."
- "Well, I can't do that."
- "I was just kidding."
- "And yes, I got nothin' wrong on the test."
- "Have you ever tried?"
- "I'm trying right now."
- "To row crew?"
- "To get into a final club. To row crew? No. Are you, like, whatever, delusional?"
- "It's just, that sometimes you say two things at once and I'm not sure which one I'm supposed to be aiming at."
- "But you've seen guys who row crew, right?"
- "No."
- "Okay, well, they're bigger than me. They're world class athletes. And a second ago, you said you like guys who row crew, so I assumed you had met one."
- "I guess I meant I liked the idea of it, you know, the way a girl likes cowboys."
- "Okay."
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(title card) - The wicked flee when none pursueth. Proverbs 28:1.
(voice-over) "People do not give it credence that a young girl could leave home and go off in the winter time to avenge her father's blood. But it did happen. I was just fourteen years of age when a coward by the name of Tom Chaney shot my father down and robbed him of his life and his horse and two California gold pieces that he carried in his trouser band. Chaney was a hired man. And Papa had taken him up to Fort Smith to help lead back a string of Mustang ponies he had bought. In town, Chaney had fallen to drink and cards, and lost all his money. He got it into his head he was being cheated and went back to the boarding house for his Henry rifle. When Papa tried to intervene, Chaney shot him. Chaney fled. He could have walked his horse, for not a soul in that city could be bothered to give chase. No doubt Chaney fancied himself scot-free. But he was wrong. You must pay for everything in this world, one way and another. There is nothing free, except the grace of God."
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- "I'm so, I'm so glad you called."
- "I'm so glad you were free."
- "God, I- I love your eyes. Okay, now, now what? Ah!"
- "Cup my balls."
- "Okay, yes. All right. I can do that. Ha!"
- "Oh! There it is. Oh."
- "Oh, that feels good."
- "You know what to do. (laughter)"
- "Okay, you know what? Slow it down, slow it down."
- "Okay."
- "Slow it down. There we go."
- "How's that?"
- "That's good, nice and slow. See? Doesn't that feel good?"
- "Yeah. No, I want to go fast."
- "You want to go fast?"
- "Fast."
- "Yeah, No... Oh, yeah. That feels good."
- "Oh, Yeah. Oh."
- "Yeah."
- "Oh, yeah. Okay. You know what, uh? I think, I think maybe we are on different rhythms here. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. (laughter)"
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(voice-over) "My friends on the mainland think just because I live in Hawaii, I live in paradise. Like a permanent vacation - we're all just out here sipping Mai Tais, shaking our hips and catching waves. Are they insane? Do they think we're immune to life? How can they possibly think our families are less screwed-up, our cancers less fatal, our heartaches less painful? Hell, I haven't been on a surfboard in 15 years. For the last 23 days, I've been living in a paradise of IVs and urine bags and tracheal tubes. Paradise? Paradise can go f--k itself."
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(voice-over) "There’s a 100,000 streets in this city. You don’t need to know the route. You give me a time and a place, I give you a five-minute window. Anything happens in that five minutes and I’m yours. No matter what. Anything happens a minute either side of that and you’re on your own. Do you understand? Good. And you won't be able to reach me on this phone again."
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- "I was born 1911, Chickasaw County, Piedmont Plantation."
- "And did you know as a girl growin' up, that one day you'd be a maid?"
- "Yes, ma'am, I did."
- "And you knew that because..."
- "My mama was a maid. My grandmama was a house slave."
- "House slave. Do you ever dream of bein' somethin' else? What does it feel like to raise a white child when your own child's at home bein' looked after by somebody else?"
- "It feel..."
(voice-over) "I done raised 17 kids in my life. Lookin' after white babies, that's what I do."
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- (whispered) "I will die."
- "St. John?"
- "I found her at the door."
- "She's white as death."
- "Hannah, some of that hot milk."
- "St. John, we would have stumbled upon her corpse in the morning. And she would have haunted us for turning her away."
- "She's no vagrant. I'm sure of it."
- "There's milk for ya."
- "Here."
- "Ask her, her name."
- "What's your name?"
- (off-screen) "Jane Eyre."
- "Tell us how we may help you."
- "Your name?"
- (off-screen) "Where are you?"
- "Must hide..."
- "St. John, we must get her warm."
- "Let us take her upstairs."
- "Will she die?"
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"You know how to get rid of the crabs?...You gotta shave one testicle. All the crabs go over to the other testicle. You got to light the hair on fire on that one. When they all go scurrying out, you take an icepick and you f--kin' stab every single last one of them."
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(voice-over partly) "In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice. 'Always try to see the best in people,' he would say. As a consequence, I'm inclined to reserve all judgments. But even I have a limit. Back then, all of us drank too much. The more in tune with the times we were, the more we drank. And none of us contributed anything new. When I came back from New York, I was disgusted... Disgusted with everyone, and everything. Only one man was exempt from my disgust...Gatsby."
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(advertisement voice-over) "The world of investing can be a jungle. Bulls. Bears. Danger at every turn. That's why we at Stratton Oakmont pride ourselves on being the best. Trained professionals to guide you through the financial wilderness. Stratton Oakmont. Stability. Integrity. Pride."
(voice-over) "...My name is Jordan Belfort. Not him, me. That's right. I’m a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26 as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million dollars which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week. No, no, no, no, no. My Ferrari was white, like Don Johnson’s in Miami Vice, not red. See that humongous estate down there? That’s my house. My wife, Naomi, the Duchess of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, a former model and Miller Lite girl. Yeah, she was the one with my cock in her mouth in the Ferrari, so put your dick back in your pants. In addition to Naomi and my two perfect kids, I own a mansion, private jet, six cars, three horses, two vacation homes and a 170 foot yacht. I also gamble like a degenerate, I drink like a fish, I f--k hookers maybe five, six times a week, have three different Federal agencies looking to indict me. Oh yeah, and I love drugs."
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(voice-over) "We're lucky to be in The City. They say the war was terrible, that the rest of the world was destroyed. Our founders built the wall to keep us safe, and they divided us into five groups, factions, to keep the peace. The smart ones, the ones who value knowledge and logic, are in Erudite. They know everything. Amity farm the land. They're all about kindness and harmony, always happy. Candor value honesty and order. They tell the truth, even when you wish they wouldn't. And then there's Dauntless. They're our protectors, our soldiers, our police. I always thought they were amazing. Brave, fearless and free. Some people think Dauntless are crazy, which they kind of are. My faction is Abnegation. The others all call us 'stiffs.' We lead a simple life, selfless, dedicated to helping others. We even feed the Factionless, the ones who don't fit in anywhere. Because we're public servants, we're trusted to run the government. My father works alongside our leader, Marcus. It all works. Everyone knows where they belong. Except for me."
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(voice-over) "When I think of my wife, I always think of her head. I picture cracking her lovely skull. Unspooling her brains. Trying to get answers. The primal questions of any marriage: 'What are you thinking?' 'How are you feeling?' 'What have we done to each other?'"
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(singing in Korean, subtitled) "Our Beloved Leader is wise. He is gentle, kind and strong. We wish him joy. We wish him peace. We wish him love. And the one thing in our time, we wish more than this is for the United States to explode in a ball of fiery hell. May they be forced to starve and beg, and be ravaged by disease. May they be helpless, poor and sad and cold! They are arrogant and fat. They are stupid and they're evil. May they drown in their own blood and feces. Die America, die! Oh please won't you die? It would fill my tiny little heart with joy! May your women all be raped by beasts of the jungle while your children are forrced toooo waaaatch!"
- "We now turn to the hostile nation of North Korea. The rocket they are testing is believed to be big enough to reach the West Coast of the United States."
- "Today, an official of the United Nations tried to tell the world...So there will be no mistake. That we are living in the midst of a modern-day Hitler."
- "A young, untested leader with nuclear ambition."
- "Kim Jong-un."
- "Kim Jong-un."
- "We are talking about Kim Jong-un."
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(voice-over) "Life was given to us a billion years ago. What have we done with it?"
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"Things are never gonna be the same now. I mean, look at this. You got aliens. You got big green guys tearin' down buildings. When I was a kid, I used to draw cowboys and Indians."